the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
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