they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Randomize
