This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
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