love makes seman taste better
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize