roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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