he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
that is very illegal...i love you.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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