I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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