The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
