conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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