I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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