theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
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