im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
