Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
