I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
