I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
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