So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
