My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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