was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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