you turned your livingroom into a bong?
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Randomize
