Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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