Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
