i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
the liver wants what the liver wants
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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