The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
