In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
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