The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
