When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize