His pubic hair was longer than his dick
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
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