i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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