Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Randomize
