All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
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