My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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