What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
