Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I don't deserve a penis
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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