I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
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