I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Randomize
