does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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