my being single is dangerous.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
Randomize
