Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
