i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Randomize
