this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize