My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Randomize
