my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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