I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
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