I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Randomize
