i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Randomize
