Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
