my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
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