rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
