I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
