also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
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