Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
can a guy be partially circumsized? cause i dont exactly know what i was lookng at...
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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