just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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