I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Randomize
