im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
